Talking Points: Engaging Your Child in Frequent Conversations About Sexuality and Abstinence
| Talk early. | Talk often. | Be clear. | Be honest. |
Research clearly demonstrates that the quality of parent/child relationships has an impact on the decisions that children make. Most teens wish they could have more open and honest conversations with their parents about relationships, love and sex. The following tips and resources are included here for parents and other adults who work with and care for youth. Talking with our children about sex may be uncomfortable, but it’s important.
Consider these helpful hints the next time you talk with your child:
Talk Early.
- Start talking early. Don’t wait to talk about sex until your child is physically mature or has started dating. Age- appropriate conversations about relationships should begin early in a child’s life and continue through adolescence.
Be an “askable parent.” For example, encourage your child to ask questions, listen carefully to their questions and worries, try to answer accurately, and be willing to keep talking when your child asks for more information.- Not sure where to begin? Try using a television commercial or a movie as a discussion starter. Don’t assume your child will initiate the conversation when they are ready.
Talk Often.
- Children may learn the physical facts about sex early on, but still want guidance and information about the emotional aspects of being intimate.
- Avoid having “the talk”. Parents and their kids should be having on-going discussions through out adolescence.
- Research shows that talking with your children about sex does NOT encourage them to be sexually active.
- Teens say that parents influence their decisions about sex more strongly than do friends and the media.*
- Talk with your child. Listening is an essential part of that communication process.
* The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, Science Says: Parental Influence and Teen Pregnancy, at www.teenpregnancy.org
Be Clear.
- Be clear about where you stand. It is easier to communicate with your children about the topics of abstinence, sex, love, and relationships when you know where you stand on these issues.
- The most important things you can give your child are your carefully considered beliefs. Parental values are a strong influence on early sexual behavior.
- Acknowledge the peer pressure that your child may be facing to become sexually active. Help your child develop refusal skills and encourage him/her to develop lifetime goals. If your child has meaningful goals for the future you can explain how sex and becoming pregnant or causing pregnancy can derail their plans.
Be Honest.
- Be open and direct with your own beliefs.
- Share with your child the reasons why you don’t want them to have sex now. Tell your child why you think it’s a good idea for them to abstain until they are older.
- Discuss the potential consequences of sex including sexually transmitted disease and unwanted pregnancy.
- Don’t let your past stop you from encouraging your child to wait. Parents who had sex as teens can be just as effective as parents who were abstinent.
The tips above are excerpted from the following resources. The recommendations are based on best practices and research data.
Disclaimer: Please note, providing this information does not constitute endorsement of a particular organization or its publications, nor is the Teen and Young Adult Health Program or the Maine Center for Disease Control and Prevention responsible for the content or materials highlighted below or information posted on any of these organizations' web sites.
Parent Power: What Parents Need to Know and Do to Help Prevent Teen Pregnancy, National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. Free on the web at: http://www.teenpregnancy.org/parent/default.asp
This free downloadable booklet discusses parental influence on whether or not their teenagers become pregnant or cause a pregnancy. Practical advice and tips on communicating with children to help youth delay sexual activity and avoid teen pregnancy are key themes. Data from teen polls reveal what teens want adults to know when talking with them about preventing unwanted pregnancies. The website also includes Ten Tips for Parents to Help their Children Avoid Teen Pregnancy and Parents Matter: Tips for Raising Teenagers.
F.A.C.T.S.- Families and Children Talking About Sexuality, Family Planning Association of Maine.
This free on-line guide is for parents of children ages 11 - 14 years old. It contains tips on communicating with children, suggestions for getting started, and a worksheet for parents to consider where they stand on topics such as relationships, dating, and sex. For more information log on to: http://www.mainefamilyplanning.org/docs/parents_teachers/facts.php
Unlocking the Secret: A Parent’s Guide to Communicating with Your Kids, Monroe County Dept. of Communications and Special Events (1998), Rochester, NY: Not Me, Not Now.
This guide is for parents of children ages 9-14. It is designed to give parents straight-forward, practical advice on how to talk with their kids about personal issues such as sex. It includes tips on teachable moments, how to start conversations with your kids about sex, and how to be an “askable parent.” For more information on the Not Me, Not Now media campaign, visit them on the web at www.notmenotnow.org